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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Fishing Stories

Fishing - The Other Side

The tales of fishing from the point of view of an individual who enjoys fishing is quite different from the view of those who, shall we say, enjoy it less.  Now you need to understand I am not identifying myself with either class at this time.  This writing is intended to be purely educational to both the avid fisher as well as to those somewhat less ardently into the sport.  For the sake of argument we will use the term “fisher” throughout, since both genders enjoy fishing equally.  It is a well known fact however, that one of the two is most certainly better at it than the other.

Let us examine how a fish tale begins.  While toiling from daybreak to well into the night, fanatically devoted to the fine art of fishing, an avid fisher will become delusional regarding certain facts surrounding their fishing trip.  The first fact they misinterpret is this: their day started at roughly 10a.m. and finished around 2:30 that afternoon, mostly due to the amount of beer consumed the evening prior and continued at “it’s noon somewhere” that day.  The avid fisher however, will inform you that the day begins before sunup and so on and so forth.  Thus will begin the fountain of fanciful fish tales.

How the fisher sees it:  “I fought the brute for nearly 2 hours.  When every muscle in my body screamed for relief, and I thought I could take it no more, the degenerate beast broke my line“…
What really happened:  His lure became entangled in a water logged limb floating just below the surface.  While the drunken fisher struggled, his staggering buddies yelled encouraging words.  “Keep fighting!” “You’ve almost got it in!” “Don’t stop now, could be a record!”.  Finally with one last exhausted tug, the line breaks.

How the fishing story goes:  “This one could have been a record for that lake.  It was a beautiful thing.  Four feet nose to tail if it were an inch.  I could not have gotten my arms around it, I’m sure.”
The truth:  It was much closer to an inch then to four feet.  What seemed at the time to be a real fighter was instead a 4 inch perch with an excessively strong will.

The above writings are merely modest examples of fishing tales.  Those of us who are in one way or another affiliated with an individual who fishes will understand this to be the truth.  On the other hand, those who avidly fish will most certainly take offense.  The sincere hope of this humble writer is that both sides will have been educated.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Rednek Jokin' - Billy Bob's Strange Behavior

Billy Bob's Strange Behavior
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are ya doin, Billy Bob?"  "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'