THE RIPARIAN ZONE

THE RIPARIAN ZONE

While driving through the woods near a little known location called Gobblers Knob we came across a sign indicating the area to our left was a “Riparian Zone”.  That word ‘Riparian’ is one of those words that make the thinkers among us say “hmmmm”, and wonder as to the deep meaning of such a delightful word.  Now to those of the more educated in this world that word may call to mind the area adjacent to a stream bed.  However, those with adequate woods experience know the word has a much deeper meaning.  Did you know that Riparians are actually tiny woods dwellers with huge feet?  Did you know they typically hibernate from about the first of November until early spring?  If an unsuspecting hunter interrupts their winter slumber, these tiny creatures will crawl up to the hunter’s ear and eat some of their brain.  Just enough brain to make the hunter do something he might not normally do.  For example a hunter might accidentally leave his gun on the bed of a flat bed pickup to fall off into the snow as the pickup drives away (this coming from actual experience).  Fortunately these tiny beings are normally friendly and are only toying with the hunter.  Or maybe it’s because their huge feet prevent them from entering deep enough into the hunter’s skull to eat substantial amounts of brain matter.  At any rate, no lasting harm is caused by the little guys.  The hunter soon returns to some semblance of normal. 

The Riparians are interesting animals.  In spite of the size of their feet and the shortness of their legs they are surprisingly fast.  Typically the legs of an adult Riparian are no more than ¾ of an inch long with the feet being easily twice that long.  A full grown Riparian can easily overtake a full grown man walking in the forest.  The running Riparian, it’s said, appears to be gliding on it’s huge feet over the flora, although no one has actually seen one as of yet.  The prolific amount of information gathered in just one hunting trip would leave a person believing there was actually hard data to back up Riparian lore.  A person would expect to find pictures and video in multitudes.  To the best of my knowledge no such evidence exists, at least at the time of this writing.  So keep your eyes open as you walk about the woods in your area.  You just may be privileged to catch sight of the elusive Riparian.

As more data becomes available there will no doubt be further writing pertaining to these astonishing little beasts.  Should you have information you deem useful, please feel free to contribute.

THE BACKSIDE OF CALAMITY

THE BACKSIDE OF CALAMITY

There are few words that inspire fear into the hearts of hunters in Central Oregon as “The Backside of Calamity”.  Now you must understand Calamity in this sense is not a state or situation, but an area on the map.  Not a particularly impressive area from the front side, but the backside of Calamity is something to be revered.  Hunters who have inadvertently wandered off the backside of Calamity and returned are never the same.  Those who purposely wander off the backside of Calamity weren’t the same to start with.  Let’s examine two such hunters.  We’ll call them Gary and Marc.

One cold day in late November 2006 Gary and Marc decided to take a hunt into that dreaded place.  Hours later, the rest of the hunting party recovered the two hunters frail and exhausted.  From what the hunting party could discern through the demented jibberish that spilled from their quivering lips the two had just taken a stroll through the hubs of hell itself.  To hear the horrors of twisted mahogany and jagged rocks, steep cliffs and wild animals made a persons hair stand on end.  Since some reading this may not have adequate woods experience we will dispense with any detail regarding the horrors the two hunters saw.  Suffice it to say that any animals larger than a squirrel, or those of a feathered variety, don’t find the place very appealing.  It is assumed that Gary and Marc have learned their lesson.