The Mall Incident and Aiming Fluid

The Mall Incident and Aiming Fluid

Last night, after an evening of deer hunting, or should we say driving through the woods drinking homemade corn whiskey, we arrived back at deer camp only to find our firewood supply had somehow depleted itself during the hunt. It has long been known that whiskey can be used as a type of aiming fluid if you're driving in the woods. It actually helps keep you between the trees. The assumption was made that it would help aim a splitting mall as well. The splitting mall is a highly technical piece of equipment consisting of an 8lb block of razor sharp steel at the end of a 3 foot wooden handle. Apparently after too much aiming fluid you need to use a mall with a shorter handle.  I slightly overshot a block of wood using the standard length handle on our splitting mall. Keep in mind this is after splitting several cords of wood, I was winded and my hands were cold. When the wood handle of a splitting mall encounters an opposing, larger and more solid block of wood at velocities created only by an expert in the art of wood splitting, an interesting thing happens. The handle of said mall will actually snap into several long pieces, in the process numbing the hands and fingers of the individual holding it. The numbing process serves only to allow time to find duct tape and bailing wire to put the handle back together. After which time the fingers and hands un-numb, much to the discomfort of the former holder of the mall. The aiming fluid itself serves as a number of sorts. Unfortunately those effects also wear off. That being said, I'm typing this today with some very sore digits.
The other two campers, my brothers Marc and Toad, were delighted with my display of manliness. They were thinking only a superhuman could work with such mangled hands and fingers and such incredible pain. They watched in awe as I repaired the handle of the mall so we could finish chopping wood. As the younger of the two grabbed the newly refurbished mall from my now tingling hands he grinned, let me show you two how this is done. He had a little more aiming fluid than I had, so I was sure he'd be fine. Apparently the more aiming fluid you have the shorter the mall handle should be. After a few swings at a particularly stubborn block of wood he too overshot the block. This time the handle, now much stronger due to the mass of bailing wire and duct tape holding it together, refused to break. The raw energy created by an 8lb chunk of steel at the end of a long wooden handle swinging at speeds somewhere near that which sound travels, has to go somewhere. A properly aimed mall directs that focused energy into a solid block of wood having the desired effect of splitting the intended target into smaller and more manageable pieces. A wayward mall however has other, less desirable effects. That ominous amount of energy just referred to has to go somewhere when the solid steel head of the mall misses the intended target. Toad found out where. I would imagine he hurts today too.